Sleep Well Tonight
by Kearsteh
Summary: 'I hate you, Edward Cullen.' Please R
1. Preface

The glare, the stance, the tension, the overwhelming sense of fear that coursed through my veins led me to believe, no, led me to know one thing: This was over.

"You **are** a monster!" I screamed. My words caught in the wind and blew into his face, hitting him with an impact that obviously shook him to his core. His face faltered, his angry face settling into one of pain and utter disgust, but I knew it was at himself. The fear that once soared through my body quickly wove its way into sheer fury. I clenched my teeth, nails pushing into my palms with all their strength, I was too furious to think of the consequences of what would happen if I broke the skin.

"Understand-" his voice, so torn and sad would have, should have snapped me out of it. It only fueled my rage, like gas on an open flame.

"Shut up!" My screech was loud, shrill, but not desperate. No, it was angry. I felt my body shaking and thought of Jacob instantly. How he could control himself around this creature suddenly amazed me. I would have phased already if I were a werewolf. In my momentary lapse of concentration, Edward moved closer to me, that expression still etched on the features of his flawless face. On what I once called a flawless face. Now it was marred, alien. Hideously out of place in Forks. I stepped back. "Get away from me! You're horrible!" My words attacked him, mocked him, and sent shivers down his spine and waves of sadness to flow over him. I saw it. I was breaking him.

"Bella, why-" That overemotional voice hurt my ears. It seemed so over thought, over done. Annoyingly acted out, scripted. I cringed and took another step back.

"Why?" I felt the wall break down and all but lashed out at him physically. My words flowed like acid, trying to get to him and burn him. Scald him. Hurt him. "You bastard! You tell me you love me! Leave me, come back and promise me to never leave! Think of everything to make sure I _can't_ stay with you forever; make up lies to keep me happy! And now you ask me why I'm angry when you come and say that the forever you promised needs to be cut short? Listen to yourself! I loved you, Edward Cullen. But my heart is long gone by now."

I bared my teeth, an unconscious gesture. A flinch from him and I'm sent over the edge. I scream, clutching at my head. Why did I let this happen? Why is he still here in the first place? Why was I so fucking stupid?

"I do lo-" My scream intensifies as I realize what he's about to say. Lies. That's all that's seeped past his lips since he came back. Useless lies that sent a shiver down my spine. No more, I refuse to be played.

"No! You clearly don't!" I'm not yelling, my throat hurts, but I spit my words like venom. I laugh in my own head at the pun, or, what would be the pun if I myself was a vampire. Another rush of hatred sweeps through me. "If you loved me in the least, you wouldn't have left. _'For my own good'_ you said. Look how good it was, Edward! Look where your good intentions have led! You've ruined my life! You've ruined me!"

I scan over his body, shocked that his body is still standing there, in front of me and my teeth grind together. Always had to be strong, didn't he? Calm, cool, collected? I had to have the emotions, expressed enough for the two of us. I was going to change that, I was going to break him. Leave _him_ here, wrapped up in his own sorrows in the woods, wishing it would change. I would do it. I owed it to him.

"Why didn't you just stay in Alaska?" I was rigid, my body locked and my eyes boring holes into him. I only saw pale flesh and, deep inside of him, what I imagined to be his dead, gray, cold and still heart. Listless bastard. "Why did you come back? Did Alice tell you she saw you breaking my heart and felt it necessary to make sure she was right? You had to have known you would never have allowed yourself to stay with me. You must have known, deep down, you would only end up shattering my heart. Or was I wrong? Are you only a selfish creature with not only a dead heart, but do you have no brain, as well?"

"Please…" The whimper. A sound I've never heard from him. I do pause; I stop and stare at him my body relaxing slightly. I thought of Jacob, once again. He wouldn't have done this to me, would he? No, he would never say goodbye, not unless he was going to die. I knew that, Jacob truly loved me. I suppose, deep down, I loved Jacob too. I was just too blinded by the once beautiful Edward to notice. I thought about a way I could love Jacob back, put my heart together once I snatched it from Edward's steely, cold grasp. Perhaps, in doing this, I was stealing Edward's useless heart. I would use it as my own.

"I hate you, Edward Cullen." He instantly snaps his head up to meet my never wavering gaze. I'm as shocked as he is, I realize after a while. Not because I said the words, no, I'd been thinking about them for a while. I was shocked because I really, truly meant them now. I used to trick myself and make up lies, defending Edward in my own head. _He loves me, I love him. We're perfect, and soon enough, we'll be together forever._ How sad. It made me feel more pathetic, but I just channeled all those other emotions and funneled it into anger. It was all I had left, after all.

"I love you, Bella."

I laughed. Who was masochistic now?


	2. Chapter 1

"Edward!" I called out to him and he spun around, as graceful as ever, staring me right in the eye. I stopped my feet before they catch on each other and I tumbled down, and felt my heart race increase to a dangerously high beat. My stomach flips in my stomach and my breathing all but stopped. How could he do that?

"Bella." He made my name sing, even in that quick mutter of my name. I frowned, though, because his voice was off. Not the offhanded cheery sound I used to know; now the forced sound of love oozed past his lips. My frown remained as he almost begrudgingly placed a lightening quick peck on my lips, his eyes never once finding mine again.

"What's wrong?" I demanded, resisting as he tries to clasp my hand in his ice cold one. As much as I wanted nothing more than to feel his skin against mine, something was off. I wasn't an idiot, and I could almost feel his tension in the air. It was his turn to frown, the creases on his forehead almost perfectly symmetrical, his eyes nearly squinting as he glances down at me, lips turned down at the corners. I could only shrug and look away from his calculated look.

"Nothing." How smooth his voice was, how calm. "Why would you think something was wrong?"

Another shrug and I walk on, him calm as ever as he matches my short and slow strides. My mind was oddly blank, when in most other times I would be over thinking and over analyzing this as much as necessary to make myself calm down. My frown deepened, and I could feel the muscles around my mouth get tired because of the effort. I relaxed, shaking my head to see if I could jar any thoughts or feelings from hiding. Nothing came.

First class was dull, Edward and I not talking, our bodies angled away from each other but still remarkably close to not be touching. People had stopped noticing us, and I felt oddly alone as I looked around at the quiet chatter that was going on around me. I took thorough notes, realizing that the writing took my mind off the person sitting stiffly beside me. Glancing down at my page at the end of my class, I saw that my once thorough and neat notes were now masked by overlapping scribbled and doodles of stray characters and words my mind had conjured up in an effort to keep my hand moving. I would have to get notes from someone else in the class, then.

Walking into the cafeteria I almost grimaced. Loud, animated conversations were going on all around us, and I almost sneered as Edward and I walked to our normal table with Alice. She began to talk quickly, ignoring the obvious tension between Edward and I and I simply glared at the wall across from me. It was strange, really, because I still hadn't thought of one thing relating to reasons why Edward was ignoring me, only that it was bothering me in an extreme way. I had been feeling slightly off ever since he returned. Yes, I was happier than I had been when he was gone, but I simply couldn't shake the feeling he was almost ready to leave again. That he was only here to make _me_ happy. This only made me frown, yet again.

"You know…" Alice's voice pulled me out of my own mind and I turned to look at her, frown still firmly in place. "You're going to get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that."

I didn't respond, and my frown only deepened. Wrinkles. Old people, they got wrinkles. I was hoping I would never become an old person, yet now, even Alice was saying I would get them. I refrained from smashing my fists against the table in frustration. Did no one want me to change anymore, then? We had voted, had we not? They had promised. The thought of the promise sent me into another long string of thoughts revolving around the idea of my own turning. Edward had said he would if I promised to marry him. Did I want to marry him? Honestly, I still wasn't sure. I loved him, yes, but marriage? How trivial. Could we not get married _after_ I knew he was going to keep his promise? How did I know he wouldn't just break his promise once he knew I was solely devoted to him until my life ended? I didn't, and that's where my mind hesitated on the image of us, married. Myself considerably older than him in all his godlike seventeen year old perfection.

When I didn't reply, Alice sighed and threw her hands up, obviously exasperated.

"I'll leave you two alone, then," she grumbled, quickly getting up and gliding out of the cafeteria. I didn't turn to see her go; I didn't even acknowledge her leaving. I looked at Edward, who was intently staring at me.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, his voice showing clear indifference that did nothing to ease my frown.

"Many things," I said simply, as indifferent as him. It was his turn to frown.

"Why are you mad?" he questioned. I glared, as if he didn't realize that already.

"Don't play stupid," I hissed, clenching my fists under the table where he couldn't see. He could, however, see my tightly clenched jaw and extremely tense upper body.

"I'm not."

I stared at him, and I'm sure I looked incredibly angry; from the reaction I got from him. The giant frown that creased his skin, the confused and slightly shocked look in his eyes, the way he leaned towards me. I didn't shift my expression, not in the slightest, as I stared back at him. Eyes unwavering. He finally sighed and leaned back.

"What's wrong, Bella?" I had made him exasperated as well, and his voice was strained as he rubbed his face with his hands. Another one of his oh so elegant movements.

"I wonder," I spat. I glanced at the clock on the wall and almost smirked; there was only five minutes until next period. "Time to go."

I stood wordlessly then, and he did as well, his perplexed gaze never straying from me.

In all honesty, the more I thought about it, I myself didn't understand my undeniable anger. I suppose that this time, I wasn't getting upset over the fact I thought he was hiding something from me. No, I wasn't getting sad or upset. I was getting angry. I assume it was because I had become tired of the emotional hold he had on me, tired of working my self up into a state of hyperventilation and utter distress. I wanted to feel like I was in a normal relationship with someone who loved me. In normal relationships, one person does not constantly cling onto little reassurances from the other, and one person does not have heart ripped out and squished for their own good. No, in normal relationships, one person did something the other didn't like, and that person got angry. And, what's more, one person didn't need to _be_ constantly reassured.

In real and normal relationships, the two were equal. And those two equal people, they fought.

I realized in the last class what it was I wanted, and why I was acting as I did. I wanted to fight. I wanted to feel equal to him and to everyone else out there. I wasn't going to be inferior and weak any longer.


	3. Chapter 2

"Bella, tell me what's wrong," Edward muttered, pulling me to him gently, trying to dazzle me with his eyes. I felt something off inside of my chest when he did that, almost offended that he thought he could trick something out of me so easily.

"Edward," I said sternly, not resisting his touch but keeping my voice firm. I wasn't going to be so easily taken advantage of. So easily trusting. I had my doubts about Edward, and as much as I loved him, loved his company and loved his family, I wasn't going to be so easily taken back. I couldn't trust him yet, he had done little more than say things to me to make me feel he wanted to be there. No actions he had done made me think he wanted to be with me forever, only his words. Even his tone would break every so often and I could hear the hurt in his voice, but I always doubted it was because he had hurt me. I think it was because he came back to me.

"Bella, please," he said, his voice like honey. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, trying to make sure I didn't fall for this. It wasn't fair. I didn't want to tell him, so I shouldn't have to, and no matter how much he tried to seduce me into telling him, I wasn't going to fall for it. I was stronger than that.

"Drop it." I said it harshly, and I meant to. I pulled myself away from him, taking a few steps back for good measure and simply stared at him. "If I don't want to talk about it, I don't have to."

"Bella…" his voice trailed off uselessly, his hands hanging limply from his side, looking abandoned, somehow. I felt no sympathy, though, for maybe he would slowly learn how I had felt, in those months when he had left me with no explanation. He looked at me hopefully, clearly thinking I would crawl back into his arms and forget that I had a single worry in the world; go back to my dormant way of letting Edward take control of things.

I wasn't planning on doing that anytime soon.

"Suck it up," I snapped, brushing past him and into my welcoming bed. "Now do you know how I feel? During those times you don't feel it's necessary to tell me what's going on until something drastic happens?"

Edward just watched me, his expression growing sadder and sadder until I thought he was going to crumple into a heap on the floor.

"Bella, I've told I'm sorry almost a million times…" My eyes widened incredulously. Was he serious? Did he truly think that two simple words would make me forget everything he put me through?

"You're ridiculous!" I hissed, trying to keep my voice down so I wouldn't awaken Charlie. "I nearly kill myself because of you, and you think 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' are going to make everything alright?"

He didn't answer, only hung his head. I continued to glare at him though, my gaze unwavering. How could he have possibly thought simply saying those things would make me feel better? Especially when every gesture he made towards me, every action, seemed planned out, regimented and controlled. Never full of emotion and never full of sincerity. It was always simply an action, one that he thought would make me feel better. I was beginning to feel like he had lost that human part of him long ago.

"Edward…" I sighed, running a hand through my hair, frowning as it caught on a few knots. "Maybe…Can I just have some time alone tonight? I just need to think."

Edward's face fell even more, something I hadn't thought possible. I felt my anger fade ever so slightly, but I refused to give in because he gave me a sad look.

'_I'm a good liar, I have to be.'_

His very own words. How, exactly, was I supposed to fully trust him ever again?


	4. Chapter 3

Lying alone that night, I thought about Edward. I thought about all those nights when I had slept by myself, awoken by dreams of his gorgeous face, his haunting memory. Now he was here, willing to lay with me, but I pushed him away, I told him to leave. I was getting more and more confused over this matter, and I realized I had to decide whether or not I wanted him to stay with me or not. If I waited too long, he may just think I didn't want him around at all, and would leave yet again, but not return.

I felt betrayed and unloved, yet I wasn't willing to let the one who made me feel that way go; what was wrong with me? It was like I had been cheated on, and then he had come back and told me it meant nothing, that it was all a lie. How was I supposed to know what was the truth and what was the lie, though? I felt like his 'lie' of not loving me was more truthful then his 'honesty' about loving me with all of his being. He had done nothing to prove to me he really did love me, other than returning; but how did I know he chose to return? What if Alice had told him I was as close to a zombie as a living human could get and he returned out of guilt?

I was getting more and more confused with my lack of answers and plethora of questions, and in the end I gave up on deciding this for myself. I would have to confront Edward, or if not him, Alice. I needed closure, I suppose you could call it. I needed to know for certain, what was happening, and why it was happening. I couldn't simply question myself about this until I came to a conclusion, because that would get me nowhere.

I finally closed my eyes after a quick glance at the window, and felt sleep settle over me.

The ring of my alarm clock woke me in the morning, the dim light coming in from the window lighting up my room enough to see there was no one else there. I slammed my hand down on my clock a bit harder than needed and sat up slowly, still feeling groggy.

My plan slowly filtered into my mind and I felt firm determination stream through me as I went about my normal daily routine. Charlie was already gone by the time I got downstairs to make breakfast for myself, and I thought more in my time alone. My mind kept asking me questions, questions that I couldn't answer. How would he react? What would he say? Would he leave again? The last question sent shivers down my spine and sent a familiar pain shoot through my chest. The fact I didn't have a definitive answer didn't help much either.

Stepping outside, I saw he was already there, shiny Volvo and all, waiting for me, as always. I felt a small smile play on my lips as I moved towards him, minding my feet so I wouldn't trip over anything.

"You don't mind?" he asked, his voice sounding slightly pained and oddly nervous. I shook my head, giving him my best reassuring smile, and opened the passenger door.

"I want to talk to you," I said, once I was comfortably in my seat. He gave me a curious and apprehensive look, so I looked out my window. No way was I going to let his 'vulnerability' make me lose my nerve. I would ask him and I _would_ get answers.

"Go ahead."

I took a deep breath, though I still didn't bring myself to look at him, I knew I would get weaker if I even glanced at him. The thought fueled my desire to have this conversation, made me stronger and also made me less likely to back down.

"Do you love me?" He gave me a baffled expression, which quickly morphed into one of confusion and then finally sheer outrage.

"_That_ is what's been bothering you?" he exclaimed, his hands now clenching the wheel so tightly I could have sworn I heard a snap or a crack. "I can't believe it, after-"

I cut him off, tired of his antics already. It wasn't an answer.

"Answer the question." I ground my teeth together, a determined sneer set on my face as I looked at him, unwavering.

"Of course I love you," he snapped, almost bitterly. How convincing, I thought sarcastically. "How could you ever doubt my love for you?"

"I wonder," I spat, turning away from him again to stare out at the trees that were zooming by much too quickly. "Maybe it's the fact you left me, after telling me you don't love me. Then you come back, but apologize a million times over, but never _show_ me you love me. Don't try and act like you do, because you don't. What do you do, Edward? You say things to make me happy. You say you love me, you don't show me you love me. If you loved me, you wouldn't second guess changing me."

"Bella, my changing you has nothing to do-"

"Don't lie to me!" He jolted slightly, obviously not expecting my sudden screech. "Don't lie to me and tell me it's about my soul, Edward. What soul? You killed my soul when you first left me! Don't lie to me and tell me you can't damn me for eternity, because if you, it wouldn't be damnation. It would be better than any heaven that didn't have you in it. Anything without you is a hell. Why don't you realize that, Edward? You say you'd be selfish, changing me, but did you ever think about what I actually wanted?"

"Of course I did…" his voice trailed off, and I realized then he didn't know what to say. The look on his face was agonizingly sad and pained, but I barely registered it. I was waiting for something to slip past those lips of his, something that would make me feel like I was making this all up, and I was just being paranoid. Something to show me he truly did love me. "Bella…I don't know what to say."

I closed my eyes and worked on steadying my breathing, ignoring the presence next to me as my mind reeled at this revelation, of sorts.

He didn't really want me.


End file.
